The Game Changer: Open Wide

In our latest column The Game Changer by Durban’s own Oscar Anderson he delivers his weekly editions of love, life and everything in between. Check out this week’s feature entitled Open Wide…

Today was hot, I was a little tired after work and had a great date with my couch planned for when I got home, or rather, when I get home. If traffic has taught me anything, it would be one of two things: both males and females pick their noses, and secondly, that I should write for the thesaurus. Now I’m not saying thatI have a doctorate in English literature, but I am saying that my road rage has given birth to words which are both visually appropriate and offensively funny.

Personally, I know I have road rage but I wouldn’t say that it is excessive. I very rarely dramatize my rage and I’m not the kind of guy who will get out of my car at the robot to have “a word” with the guy in front of me who has just cut me off. I will however, make sure you can see my mouth moving at the speed of sound through your rear-view mirror. If you manage to make out what I am saying, then I hope you aren’t the kind of person who will get out of your car.

Perhaps my favourite word to use, minus any additional adjectives, must be the word “tonsil”. Not only does it sound funny but is anatomically appropriate. Very briefly, tonsils are sacs of infection fighting tissue. Much like the ruling political party, tonsils are poor on service delivery, as they often can’t fight the infection and get infected themselves and therefore must be removed. I would like to personally remove all tonsils from the road as your incompetent driving ability is infecting my couch time. When I was three I had my tonsils removed, and it was glorious as I clearly remember being fed a diet of jelly and custard for at least a week. In hindsight, had I been the cunning thinker I am today, combined with my three year old boyish good looks, I could’ve easily made it two weeks. Regardless, in addition to this column, I shall be sending a request to the road traffic inspectorate to request that Ultra Mel and Moire’s take over the “arrive alive” campaign.

Since we are born with two tonsils, I only see fit to name the two largest tonsils on the roads: The Good Samaritan and that highly frustrating driver in the fast lane who adheres exactly to the speed limit. I have yet to find an appropriate collective namefor that driver but I assure you that when I do, I will be using it daily. Now there are three parties involved with The Good Samaritan, the good, the bad, and the guy shouting verbal death threats towards the good. Sure, not everyone has couch time planned like I do, or may purposely delay the time in which they spend at home, but if we have been riding bumper to bumper in the heat for half an hour then what is the logic of letting someone in front of you? Do you get pleasure in their insincere acknowledgement when they flash their hazard lights? Even if you really though that person was good looking, and you naively think that letting them inwill help you score, you now can’t see their face and are now trying to decipher my multiple syllabled facial expression through your rear-view mirror.

On the other side of the coin, if you do not happen to be The Good Samaritan and let me in front of you, then you will also be deciphering my verbal hieroglyphics. As far as being that person in the fast lane, unless you have a toll-free number written in blue and yellow reflective paint on the side of your car with multiple aerials, do not think that you are enforcing the law for the parade of cars behind you. Even Bob Marley shot the sheriff, and I will definitely give you my deadliest death stare as I zoom past. Surely I understand that if it is not possible for you to move into the middle lane then I need to wait, but then move as soon as you can. I may not ever be in an emergency to get anywhere, but driving according to the speed that someone else has predetermined for me is going to put them in a state of emergency.

Having said all of this, and the possibility of my mother reading this, I would like to emphasise the importance of road safety. It is usually the general idea to at least arrive at your destination than to not arrive at all, but if you could arrive to your destination just a little bit quicker then it would be much appreciated. There is no swifter cure of an infected tonsil than to remove the little guys, unfortunately that may land me with a 25 year sentence, so until then, I will open my mouth wide enough for you to see in your mirror that mine are in fact removed.

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