The Game Changer: Shots and Sugar-Rimmers

Today marks the second edition of our new weekly column The Game Changer by Durban’s on Oscar Anderson who delivers his weekly editions of love, life and everything in between. Check out this week’s feature entitled Shots and Sugar-Rimmers…

I have been spending some time lately with a certain relationship columnist and have had a good peek into the age old question of what women want, how do I get him to like me and does he like it like this or that? But no one asks help on how to get out of the relationship, as if after the first kiss it becomes happily ever after. If you are not in your first relationship then you will know that when time comes to go your separate ways that it’s never easy, if you are in your first relationship, keep reading.

Florence Welch’s “Are you the lime, or the knife?” aptly addresses the fact that it can never be a mutual agreement, someone will get hurt. You can never break up with someone gently, and even if you initiate the break up you could easily become the “lime” in the glorious ceremony which inevitably unfolds before your friends and family. Being the “knife” it is always best to be sharp, clean and a quick cut. Late night infomercials have plenty in-stock if you do so require one. You definitely do not want to be sawing through the past and making a messwhich you will have to clean up. Always remember that the first cut is the deepest, there is no point in scratching at the surface, and you will not grate your way out of a relationship. So place your blade firmly against the rind, make a thorough, single cut and then wash your hands of the situation.

If you happen to be staring at Japanese quality blade as seen on TV, with your back firmly against the cutting board then I suggest you start wriggling your sour little self good and proper. It is never pleasant being on the receiving end and is usually a result of your own doing, whether you were caught, lazy or simply decided to squeeze a little extra zest into the punch bowl. Well you are about to get a punch blow. Either way you deserve it and pray that they start cutting from the middle and don’t chop the useless little bits on the ends off first. If however it isn’t your fault and you are simply being pruned then take much victory when the cut strikes that you manage to squirt them in the eye and cause that damn painful irritation. And when they go drinking later with their friends note that it is the lime they take to ease the pain after the shot whilst you delicately accompany a classier, sugar-rimmed mix.

As a boy, whenever my sister and I were fighting over sharing something; for example Smarties, my parents would always make one of us split it and then let the other choose which side they wanted in order to be fair. Obviously as a child, you always look for the bigger half, it doesn’t change when you start splitting hearts. I’m not even going to address splitting homes. Danny O’Donoghue sings “When a heart breaks, it doesn’t break even”, how true, even the broken heart emoticon on my phone has one small and one big piece. Do not fall into the ideology that two halves make a whole. Who ever saw half a lime and half a paw-paw make one whole of anything? It looks more like tomorrow’s smoothie; it’s just going to end up in the blender. You need to both be one hundred percent whole when you enter into a relationship, we can only hope that we escape with our pips on exiting.

I used be the greatest Smarties sharer in my family, left overs? What left overs, says a candy stained mouth. No one is asking you to colour code the way in which you share your Smarties (which I did too), only that you are fair in the way in which you hand them out. So when faced with that damned statement “We need to talk”, ensure you have measured each side equally just in case they get to do the choosing first…

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