Man Flu

Good old Man Flu – the crippling and devastating disorder which has been attacking male members of the world for years. Chia Kougianos is (wo) man down with a cold of her own but introduce a dear friend and his dose of Man Flu and it’s a whole other story….

I recently had the pleasure of enjoying the company of The Male (he may not be named for his own safety and protection as after this article he may be the world’s most sought after Man Flu Survivor) and was exposed to my first real dose of what we girls like to call Man Flu.

Now if you are perhaps one of the few fortunate people left in the world to have not been exposed to one of the globe’s most debilitating illnesses, it is similar to that of normal flu which women and small children may contract but contracted solely by men in a strain that is easily 100 percent worse. Women cannot contract Man-Flu. Ever. At worst they suffer from what most boys like to recognise as a ‘Girly Sniffle’. I now have that said Sniffle and have a voice that resembles half of what I used to sound like but it’s nothing because I don’t have Man Flu.

I first began to notice a few warning signs from The Male early one evening when he began to exhibit a few standard symptoms coupled by an overwhelming desire for compassion and the need for a back tickle. This is when us girls begin to associate the dreaded illness with other fatal diagnoses such as ‘Fishing for Sympathy’ or ‘Chronic Exaggeration’. To us, Man Flu is just a slight sniffle or cold that is turned into a dreadful condition by the imagination of the male sufferer. To the boys, it is a rare strain of flu so powerful and so deadly it can only be matched by perhaps the Bubonic Plague or an atomic bomb.

Symptoms of Man Flu range from feelings of despair and hopelessness that no-one on earth can understand just how terrible you feel to extreme grumpiness and exhaustion. Sources also say other effects may include the male to be rendered incapable of doing any activities other than channel surfing and the occasional couch spooning.  

Soon your beloved will shortly become completely dependent on you, requiring you to tend to his every whim and need. Do not dismiss any request; don’t forget that the pain and suffering he is feeling is a hundred times worse than that of the little thing we like to call a cold.

The Male will soon advance to stage 2 of the dreaded disease and will undoubtedly be left with no ability to lift his fingers to work the remote control or to hit the switch on his own kettle. There will be a few coughs and head holding and the possibility of a phantom fever.

My advice to you? Why not serve him some comfort food and provide him with hot tea and medicine to take his mind off the illness ravaging his poor body. Besides, most boyfriends and husbands would have us believe that more men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than the actual Man Flu itself and so rather than take that risk I say bring on your nurse gear and get cracking. Time is of the essence. The best cure for Man Flu is a cocktail of playing nurse, home cooked meals and the promise of his favourite drink laden with ice waiting for him upon his speedy recovery.

Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Extensive research has proven that the only way to combat the crippling effects of Man Flu is complete withdrawal to the sofa and uninterrupted attention and loving by the girlfriend / wife.

The Male will inevitably be spending the next three to four days teetering on death’s door that is only if the Man Flu is kind enough not to kill the infected party.  Best case scenario it will leave him severely weak, utterly sick and in dire need of some good old fashioned TLC.

Are you suffering from Man Flu or are you an unsung Man Flu Survivor? Drop me a comment below to show your support and check out the clip below showing you are not alone in this…


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